until you break
by Misila
Summary: Dazai doesn't tease Kunikida anymore, doesn't even see him when their eyes meet, lost in a place Kunikida can't understand, a painful longing clear in his gaze. It scares Kunikida, more than all the times he has taken Dazai out of the river.


_**until you break**_

.

When Yosano gives up, when she accepts the inevitability that the mutilated body she tries to resuscitate is, all Kunikida registers is that Dazai is far.

Far from them, from the boy– he stands with his back pressed against the filthy wall, eyes wide and unfocused and trembling hands covered in blood that betrays his own fruitless attempts to save Atsushi.

And he blinks, and as his legs give out his back slides down to the floor and then he's on his knees and he shakes his head and the whine that escapes his lips sounds as childish as it is helpless.

"But I'm not touching him."

But it doesn't matter, because the tiger's regenerative ability is not enough to heal a corpse.

.

Dazai grows quieter.

He doesn't cry, doesn't talk about Atsushi's death– or about anything involving him, really. The report about the failed mission is on Fukuzawa's desk when they come back after the funeral, and for five days nobody sees him. Kunikida makes use of the old tracking device to check on him every few hours, both relieved and upset at Dazai's seamless roaming through Yokohama.

It's not completely unexpected when Dazai knocks on his house in the middle of the night and practically collapses into Kunikida's arms as soon as he swings the door open. He's barely conscious and he's burning to the touch and he clings to Kunikida's clothes with what little strength he can muster.

Kunikida helps him change into some of his own old clothes, keeps him awake just enough to give him something to eat. Makes sure his fever doesn't get higher, writing on the _Ideal_ until the sky pales at dawn with a sleeping figure curled up against him.

Dazai doesn't say much when he returns to work. He doesn't tease Kunikida anymore, doesn't even see him when their eyes meet, lost in a place Kunikida can't understand, a painful longing clear in his gaze.

It scares Kunikida, more than all the times he has taken Dazai out of the river.

.

Kunikida decides to talk to him.

He composes a full speech and memorises it before inviting Dazai over for dinner, only to forget all those big words when Dazai's tired eyes focus on him. It's hard to believe they are the same age.

"You are going to do something stupid," is what eventually comes out.

Dazai raises an eyebrow. "And that's new because…?"

His calm is infuriating.

"Don't," spills from Kunikida's lips. "We had a deal."

"You mean keeping me busy with the far-fetched hope that I forget I want to die? That's not a deal, Kunikida-kun. That's blackmail."

"You still agreed."

"But nothing stops me from breaking your deal." Dazai looks around, at the living room, then fixes his dark gaze back on Kunikida. "Why should I keep it, anyway? For you?"

And perhaps Kunikida should breathe in deeply and look for the little patience left he knows he has _somewhere_ , but he's tired and worried and _angry_ because he's sick of Dazai acting like he is the only one struggling to get used to Atsushi's absence, like everyone else is alright.

"So you are going to throw everything overboard because a mission went wrong?"

Dazai's eyes narrow dangerously; both of them know there are many comebacks that would render Kunikida speechless, and there is no doubt he's considering each and every single one of them.

But the predictable low blow never comes. Instead Dazai pushes his untouched bowl of rice away and stands up.

"I'm not hungry."

Kunikida doesn't move as Dazai walks out of the living room, only flinches slightly when his partner slams the door shut after walking out of his home, slipping his fingers behind his glasses to press them against his eyes as if hiding from his own dinner, forgotten before him.

He isn't hungry either.

.

Pride keeps him from trying to make up with Dazai for almost a whole week, only talking to him at the Agency when it's strictly necessary.

On a Thursday Kunikida leaves the office earlier –although not as much as Dazai–, walks towards his partner's apartment. This time he hasn't bothered to script a dialogue; he knows it'll be useless.

And he's right.

He finds Dazai curled up between empty alcohol bottles, just barely alive.

.

The following twelve hours exist in fragments in his memory.

Dazai keeps still no matter how many times Kunikida calls his name.

The strong smell filling the hospital makes him throw up.

 _Why didn't I go sooner?_

A doctor says something about Dazai's liver, then that he should wake up in a few hours.

He'll wake up.

He's alive. He'll survive this.

The idiot failed once again.

But Dazai's hand is cold when Kunikida takes it in his.

.

He must fall asleep at some point, because the weak tugs at the sleeve of his shirt startle him. Dazai can't keep his eyes open, yet they are filled with fear; still, a knot in Kunikida's chest loosens when he makes his own name out between his partner's confused whimpers.

"Hey." Kunikida stands up from his chair, leans on the edge of the bed. Dazai looks up at him, gaze bleary. "Hey, I'm here."

Dazai's lips part in what might be surprise, his hand still grabbing black fabric. Kunikida gently pries his fingers off, intertwining them with his own instead as he waits for him to say something.

Startled eyes frantically seek Dazai's face when what he hears instead is a sob.

"Why––" Dazai throws his arm over his eyes, breath hitching. "All he asked me to… But Atsushi-kun–– Why did you… _why_?!"

He's shaking so violently Kunikida worries, but the grip in his hand is too tight for him to do anything other than watching as everything Dazai has been hiding so carefully finally surfaces, all at once and threatening to drown him in his own despair.

"We had a deal," Kunikida eventually mutters, hating himself because it sounds like an apology. "You can break it all you want, but I won't."

Dazai lowers his arm to look at Kunikida again, tears trailing down his temples and disappearing into his hair.

"I'm tired of losing everyone," he whispers.

Kunikida leans down, presses a kiss on Dazai's forehead.

"You won't lose me." Dazai squeezes his hand tighter, eyes widening. "But you have to stop doing this… Deal?"

Dazai looks aside. "I'm not good at those."

Kunikida doesn't feel the expected pang of disappointment. He appreciates Dazai's honesty more, he realises.

"Well," he replies, "I am."

* * *

What did you think about it? ^^ (PS: Sorry)


End file.
